Like Tears In Rain
by Adarian
Summary: After performing a risky protection spell, the gang is pulled back into Anders' memories in the Fade, leaving them to relive parts of his past. Written for a kink-meme request.


_brief non-con warning in Fenris section. Just feel free to skip over if need be. _

There were almost forty of them that Hawke could see. Even more were streaming from the depths of the cavern. Endlessly, more and more ran forward, demons spurting forth from blood mages, gore surrounding them. Hawke stood terrified, stepping back until she reached Anders' side. There were only the eight of them, alone on the Wounded Coast. They could not last much longer, not with their mana depleting so rapidly. She could see Aveline knocked to the ground, blood trickling down her skull.

Anders' eyes glowed; his face grimaced as he hit his staff to the ground, shielding her with his body. Hawke saw the spell float in the air, one she had never seen before in practice, but had read about in the arcane texts: the Vessel of the Spirit. She felt the wind knocked out of her lungs and she fell, hitting her head on the ground.

oOoOo

Aveline screamed as she saw the axe come down towards her. She rolled out of the way, temporarily confused by the feel of the ground underneath a smaller body. She saw the man before her, a feeling of love and fear nearly rooting her to the spot.

"Dad!" She cried out, her voice broken and small, "Dad, don't do this to me!"

The man tripped her and forced her back to the ground. She felt the flames burn underneath her hands and a sense of control came back to her. She tried to fight back but the man knocked her across the jaw with the back of the axe. She fell, cowering as she tried to catch her breath.

She saw the woman kneel in front of her. She shouted, "If you kill him, you're going to have to kill me too!"

"Woman, don't do this," the man threatened, pointing the blade at her, "This is no child, but a demon. Let me end this now or Maker help me..."

"Send him to the Circle," she begged, "Give him to the Chantry, anything. Please...Paul...this is your son, your own son...please..."

Aveline sobbed, cowering behind her. She felt herself brought into the woman's arms and she cried into her shoulder.

"It's okay," she whispered again and again, "It's okay."

For a moment, Aveline remembered what it was like to be in her own mother's arms, just before she died. The nightmare faded as reality slipped slowly in. Her tears stopped and for a moment, she let herself be held.

oOoOo

Varric woke, hearing the laughter of children around him in their seats. He grinned, looking up at the Templar in front of him.

"You want to say that again, mage?" The Templar growled.

"I said," Varric replied, "That for a man in a dress, you have some very interesting ideas about masculinity. So why don't you just let James dress as he likes?"

The young child in question scooted behind Varric, a blush in his cheeks. Varric stood proudly, grinning.

"Outside, student."

Varric followed dutifully, smirking to himself. He had made it three steps outside the classroom before the door slammed shut and he was knocked to the ground. He yelped as he was kicked by another Templar, the pair of them hitting him as hard as they could. He screamed in pain, trying to curl into a ball, but being pulled back again.

He felt them pulled from him and he looked up, seeing a mage in his twenties standing between him and the Templars.

"If you gentlemen don't mind," he replied quietly, "I will discuss the child's behaviour with him."

"Mages don't tend to remember respect unless you beat it into them," the Templar growled.

"Be that as it may," the mage replied, "Sometimes respect must be earned."

The pair walked off, grumbling, as the mage knelt, offering his hand to Varric. He felt a sense of cooling over his body, the familiar sense of healing.

"Are you alright, child?" The mage asked.

Varric replied, "I'd be better if I got to kick them back."

The mage laughed, "Perhaps when you are bigger and stronger."

"I'm 15, I'm hardly that small."

The mage chuckled, "Still a child. Come on, Anders. I can't keep coming to your rescue again and again."

"They're making him wear a dress again and calling him Jane. It's not fair, Karl. In the real world, no one gives a shit what anyone does. But this freaking Chantry. They tell us how to dress, how to speak...to be who they want us to be, not who we really are..."

Varric felt his heart pound as Karl looked down at him, an odd softness in his eyes. Varric felt almost a little sick, his whole being aching for the man in front of him. It reminded him of Bianca...

Varric realized it was a dream, as bittersweet as it was. His body was still bruised and tender, but it was worth it for someone to look at him like that again.

oOoOo

Sebastian panicked as he felt the man's hand on his shoulder. Unnatural desire sprung through him as he felt the man's lips on his neck.

He wanted to pull away, but felt the pleasant shuddering running through him. He felt love and lust as the man turned him around, meeting his lips with a hungry kiss. He could feel this body's desires and it was not hard to feel them with it. It had been so long since he had been kissed like that, since someone had run their hands down his body. The fact it was this strange man meant nothing to him. He felt like he had known him his entire life.

"Karl," he groaned as the man's hand slipped down his pants, "Karl."

Sebastian felt it all in that moment. Years of growing as friends, years of longing, looks from a distance. Now he was a man, now Karl saw him as a man, as a lover. Now, he was finally going to have him, body and soul, as he had always wanted.

The man flipped him back towards the wall and stroked him and Sebastian felt himself grinding against him, desperate for his touch. He felt a greased hand reach behind him, pulling down his smallclothes. He gasped with pain as a hard cock pushed into him, slowly.

"Are you alright?" Karl whispered into his ear.

"We don't have enough time for foreplay," Sebastian groaned, "I need you, now."

Karl moaned, thrusting inside of him. Sebastian gasped, the sensation new and strange, but utterly wonderful. They moved together for a short time, almost silently to avoid getting caught. He felt himself come in Karl's hand, his body shaking before the man still, his seed hot and warm.

Karl kissed down his neck and said, "I wish it could have been more romantic."

Sebastian whispered, turning to face him, "It was perfect."

Sebastian looked into the man's eyes and started to remember. He remembered the Tranquil at the Chantry, the silent man who had Elthina had said had killed by the mage underground. He remembered the quiet way he would look at him, as if he had something he wanted to say.

Sebastian could not help but kiss him again.

oOoOo

Isabela felt like she was going to throw up. She leaned over the chamberpot, trying to catch her breath. She looked up, freezing as she saw Anders' face in the mirror. She felt his face, touching experimentally. She turned, looking out the window to see the streets of Denerim.

She frowned in confusion, washing her face off before leaving the bathroom. She smirked, seeing the patrons of the Pearl going back and forth.

"Anders," Sangha called, "You okay? I told you, you can just clean the toilets or something. I only take talent who love what they do."

Isabela replied, "I'm fine."

Isabela felt a conflicting sense of panic in her stomach. She wanted to bolt from the room. Sex was one thing, but being a professional, well...

Sangha led her to a familiar room on the other side of the Pearl. A strange sense of deja vu jumped through her as she saw the door open to reveal...well...her.

The other Isabela laid naked in the streets, happily grinning as another of the Pearl's workers licked up and down her sex.

"Ah," she laughed, "The main course. Go run along, I'm told I'm this fine boy's first client. The man should have some privacy when he loses his virginity."

The others left, leaving Isabela alone in the room with herself. The real Isabela felt her heart race in fear as familiar hands touched her unfamiliar body. The sensation of an erection was almost pleasant, a surprise that she reveled in.

The other Isabela said softly, "I know you're scared. But there's nothing to be scared about. I'll be gentle."

"It's definitely not my first time."

"But first time with someone you didn't love, am I right? I know good Chantry boys like you. You're frightened. I can feel it."

The other Isabela touched her swelling cock, probably being the strangest thing she had ever experienced in her life. She knew how the rest of this night played out, at least on one end. The somewhat inexperienced mage would rock her world, introducing her to a few magical tricks she had never even dreamed of.

Then she would see him walk out, a spring to his step, his chest broad and proud. He would turn and smile to her, gleefully, before prancing out.

She knew all that and realized that this was only a fantasy. However, it seemed only reasonable that she indulged it a little longer...

oOoOo

Fenris tried to fight back as they threw him into the cell. He tried to phase his hand through the Templar's body, finding his fist hitting against the skin. The Templar knocked him flat on his back, the wind knocked out of his lungs as the mana was stripped from him.

He was more scared than he ever had been in his life.

The Templars pinned him down, stripping his clothes away. He found himself giving in, trying not to be hurt further.

But then the scene froze and he opened his eyes, looking around at the others. He rose, putting his robes back on. He looked down, seeing Anders in the same position he had just been in, seeing the look of fear.

He ran out the door as the scene resumed, hearing Anders scream.

oOoOo

Merrill found himself chilling in the cold winter air. She tried to bundle herself in her robes, her boots thankfully clad from the deep snow. She heard the arguing ahead of her and walked ahead, seeing the King of Ferelden mere paces from her.

And in front of him, was Juin Mahariel.

Merrill wanted to run forward to embrace her lost sister, but found herself fixated to the spot in fear. She looked ahead, seeing the group of Templars near, sensing their abilities in the very air.

Mahariel stood in front of her protectively and said, "The Chantry will have no authority in my realm. He stays with us. I conscript him into our ranks."

Mahariel looked at her without recognition, a stern expression on her face. Merrill walked after her in the snow, feeling elated. She felt a sense of surprise, as if she had avoided a great doom.

She looked ahead, seeing the enormous Vigil's Keep just beyond the gates. She froze, recognizing the arling of Amaranthine, despite never having been to the north of Ferelden. She was led into the great dining hall, the few other Wardens and servants brought together for a meager meal. She felt relieved, a sense of for once being safe, being finally free.

She sat beside Mahariel, wishing that she could speak to her, wishing that for one more time, she could tell her sister how much she appreciated and loved her.

She felt herself say, "Thank you."

She heard the voice, deeper, but soft and familiar. She smiled softly to herself. This was the Fade, a dream. Once she understood that, she felt herself able to reach over and touch Mahariel's hand, tears coming down her face.

Mahariel looked over at her in surprise, "Anders, are you alright?"

Merrill whispered, "I think I'm finally home."

She would wake up soon. She felt the anxiety spread through her, knowing it soon would be taken from her. It was hard to appreciate it now and the fear took her captive.

oOoOo

Hawke rose from the snow covered ground, holding her hand to her ribs. She stood, seeing the carnage of Vigil's Keep, the darkspawn strewn about, and the weakened figures of Anders and Nathaniel Howe lying inches from each other, trying to touch.

She went forward to help, but she felt a hand pull her back. She turned, seeing the Anders she knew standing behind her, his face solemn.

"Hawke," he said calmly, "You can't stop this. Listen to me. This is a dream."

Hawke processed this and said, "Why is this happening?"

Anders replied, "I tore Justice from me to protect us. There was a rip, bringing us all into the Fade...into my version of the Fade. The others are scattered throughout my memories...even me. You are the most like me. You were no fooled so easily. You need to bring us back, Hawke. I will be tranquil, I will not be able to help you."

"Where are the others?" She asked.

"In other places. They will be drawn to memories most meaningful to them, things they are afraid of, things that they love. Memories that they recognize within my own life."

"So why am I here?" Hawke asked in confusion, looking out at the scene.

"Because this is what you fear," Anders replied, leading her closer to the pair ahead of them.

As she approached, she could feel the younger Anders' desperation, the strain on his body as he tried to heal his friend without tearing himself apart. She could see the spirit of Justice, though the others were oblivious. The elder Anders stood by stoically as Hawke panicked.

"This is what you fear," Anders stated, "You blame my troubles on this moment of my life. If only I had just said no to Justice...but Hawke, I was dying, as was my lover. Justice had wanted Nathaniel, but he settled for me. He gave me the power to save us both as payment for inhabiting me."

"I don't want to see this," Hawke whispered.

"But you did," he said evenly, "You wanted to understand."

Hawke froze as the spirit slipped into Anders' body, causing him to float into the air. He took one long deep breath before he landed on his feet, the familiar bright blue behind his eyes.

Nathaniel rose from the ground, blue light encasing him before setting him back on the ground. The younger Anders fled from the scene, letting the archer wake again, alone.

"It is time to wake up, Hawke," the older Anders said quietly.

"Where will you be?" Hawke asked.

"It does not matter. I have been severed, there is no turning back."

"But this is a dream," Hawke replied, "You're not really here, Anders. None of this is happening, this is all the past. Is this...you're Justice, aren't you?"

The figure of Anders said in a deeper voice, "We had a deal, Anders and I. There must be payment for breaking a deal. If he will no longer give me his body, then I will not allow him use of it either. This is his payment."

Hawke growled, "I'm going to find him."

"I cannot offer you protection if you do so."

"I can handle myself," Hawke promised before the vision faded.

She wandered through the fogs and mists until she sensed Anders near her. She followed that feeling until she found herself in a bedroom. The fireplace roared before her and she saw Anders sitting on a sette before it, an orange tabby curled in his lap. Beside him, Nathaniel leaned against the armrest, reading aloud to him from a book, blushing as he went over a steamy part.

"Don't be so embarrassed, Nate," Anders laughed, "It's just some smut. They'll go back to rescuing the world soon enough. Besides, it's the best part."

Hawke did not want to speak. She could feel Anders' emotions, feel being so content and at peace. He looked a decade younger, his laugh lighter and airier. Yet Anders looked up at her, a sad smile on his face, as if the spell was broken.

"Hawke," he said quietly, "You found me."

Nathaniel and the cat behaved as if she was not there, continuing with the charade. Anders snuggled the cat to him before standing, the creature jumping off his lap. Nathaniel kept reading to himself, frowning, as Anders kissed him on the forehead.

He walked to Hawke's side and took her hand in his.

"Let's go back," he said.

Hawke woke with a gasp, seeing the knocked down enemies. She called for a retreat, her party running from the cavern. She ran forward, hoisting Aveline over her shoulder. They managed to escape, fleeing back towards Kirkwall.

oOoOo

The first week was truly strange for Anders. Without the second perspective in his mind, he found himself growing anxious in all the quiet. He worked hard in the clinic, despite the damage to his body after casting such a dangerous spell. He found himself processing through all that had happened. When Justice was torn out of him, his entire life had flashed through his eyes, every moment that led to their merger. He had felt Hawke's presence, had known she was there with him in that moment.

But after the strange visits of their companions, he suspected that they too had witnessed these moments. It had began with Isabela, who had come that first night, wanting to reminisce about their evening together at the Pearl. They had a drink together, one of the few he had in years, and talked about the other workers, other clients Anders had in his two months there. When she had left, he had felt easier. Parts of who he was were coming back.

Merrill was next. They talked about the Warden, the brave warrior who had disappeared so many years ago. Anders told her stories of Amaranthine and Merrill listened gratefully. They even embraced when she parted and he smiled. They understood each other, just a little better now. He could appreciate a person wanting to hold on to what they had lost.

Varric was there the same day, only to drop off a bottle of wine and some groceries. He was oddly silent, merely patting him on the cheek. He laughed a little too hard at a joke before leaving. Anders could tell that there was more he wanted to say, but he let it be. Aveline's patrol had passed his clinic more often, but he heard nothing otherwise from the guard captain.

Fenris and Sebastian were perhaps his strangest visitors. Sebastian had started off with a grandiose speech about proper sexual conduct and eventually started to tell him about Karl's last week. He told him how quiet the mage had become, how he was this silent figure. He said how he wished he could have known him better. Anders cried when he left, drinking most of the bottle Varric had left him. He was still a little drunk the next day when Fenris arrived, oddly dressed in civilian clothes and not in his armour.

Fenris looked at him, a quiet sincerity in his voice as he said, "I'm sorry."

In that moment, Anders knew exactly what he had seen, what terrible moment that could make a man like him apologize. He longed to talk to Fenris about what they both had experienced, to begin to heal together. But in that moment, he simply thanked him. Fenris shook his hand tentatively before leaving.

But even seven days later, Hawke still had not come. He missed her. Of all of them, she was the one he most wanted to talk to, perhaps because she did not come. What had she seen that had scared her so? What made her flee from him?

He eventually went to her Estate and knocked at the door. Bodahn let him in and he waited by the fireplace, hoping she would eventually come down to see him. After an hour, he felt brazen enough to go upstairs and enter her bedroom. He started off apologizing, but stopped as he saw her sit at the edge of the bed, looking up at him hopefully.

"What did you see?" Anders asked softly.

Hawke smiled sadly, "I saw you. I saw you brave and selfless. I saw you...happy. I've never seen you happy before, Anders. I didn't think you could be. I saw what...you said once that even if we had met a year earlier, we might have had a chance. I thought you were being kind...but you were right. You did something incredibly brave and stupid to save the one you loved. I heard you laugh. I'm not jealous, just...I thought I saw you merge with Justice because I was afraid...afraid of myself, afraid of you...Anders, I could feel everything. I could feel every step that led you to that moment. I don't know if the others felt that or if just because...because there's a bond between us. I just don't know what to think anymore. It was easier to just hate you before and throw everything else away."

"But?" Anders asked, his heart pounding.

"I don't know how I feel now," she admitted.

"I did it to save you," Anders confessed, "Justice fought me, he nearly killed me in the process. But I did it to save you. I know you think I don't care about anything other than the cause and you think that I'm exaggerating every little thing that's every happened to me...I get that. But I fought Justice for you. If you hadn't found me...I would have been lost in the Fade. But you did and I think you know why."

They looked at each other, a heavy heat between the two of them. Anders looked away first.

He excused himself, "I should go, I'm sorry."

She said nothing as he left the room, but for the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful.


End file.
